so i am here at my grandparents house in illinois for two freaking weeks. nothing to do, nobody to keep me amused, occupied, entertained, or just kill my loneliness. nobody. but im here so i might as well try and enjoy something here. dont know what there is to do, but ill try. last time i was here was around easter. i kept myself occupied by exchanging emails maybe like twice a day with leen. that was my only way of getting through the time away. that was also the time when i really started writing songs and just writings about my emotions during my life then. and now i can sit in my room alone at night and see where that has gotten me. paper upon paper of jut useless complainging about how i wish life were so much more how i prayed every night it would turn out to be. but yeah enough about that stuff.
i spent saturday night with gina at the fair again. we had a really good time. we played bingo (addiciting!), i won her a panda bear, then we went and sat on a bench where we got into deep conversation about where i felt my heart was in life. it's like a vicious circle of mixed emotions. she couldnt love me because her heart was stuck with somebody she needed, and now its the same story for me, i cant say i love you to gina because my heart is stuck with eileen. and i feel like the biggest fuck for it. its almost as if everything is perfect when i spend the time i do with gina. she gives me everythign she has but i can only give her so much back. because a part of me is in love with the yesterday. i bluntly told her that i ws still in love with eileen saturday night, not the best thing for her but it needed to be said. she was dead then after this. i felt horrible. she walked away but i followed her and we talked again. i told her that i am sorry that im not going to be able to give the true love back to her. she tells me that as long as i am lsiten to her and take in the feelings she sends me then that is all she needs. but she cant survive on just that. she needs my heart. but im unable to forget her. i just cant. i talked to her for the first time in a week friday night. i sat beside her and then it became to much for me and i broke apart. its like my feelings for her always get the best of mee when i know that they cant be shared by both of us. but thats how it goes. i know she s orry for what she feels she did to me, but in the end, me being miserable was my own doing. my fault truly. but i can live on find to like somebody else i think, i have. so i know i can. but it wont be love. it cant be. my love is longing away every night and day. but damnit, gina, you are a wonderful person and i am grateful for the itme we share, and i hope to spend more with you. you puta smile on me when i need it most. im sorry for my lost love, its gone these days.